id be glad to
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
