I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i've created a new STD.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
