What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
