one might say we're banned from that church
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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