i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
