You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
