im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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