I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
