Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
