you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
