Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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