I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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