I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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