saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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