Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
