You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
