Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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