I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
