I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
