Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
