Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
