This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
