I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
