I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
