this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
