She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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