Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
