im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
