I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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