Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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