life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
