My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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