Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
