I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
