Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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