I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
