i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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