Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
