I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
