I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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