I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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