I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
