your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
