"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Found your dick twin last night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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