If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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