we have pet lesbian snakes
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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