It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
