Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
