We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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