she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
