I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
