my sisters under your porch take her home
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
